Some guys are just naturally nervous and socially awkward. MORE: Giveaway Signs He Likes You. No one likes an overly possessive or jealous person, but a little protectiveness can be charming.

One way he can show his warmth to you in this way is by jumping at any chance to help you escape an uncomfortable situation. It feels good to laugh, and we instinctively want to spend time around people who make us giggle. Guys know this and try their best to make the girl they like laugh. It could be remembering your coffee order and surprising you with it before class or work.

Since guys tend to have more pressure to appear tough than women do, it can be harder for them to show their sensitive side. Sharing his inner thoughts and vulnerabilities is a huge deal for guys. It shows a sincere sense of trust when a guy is able to be real with you. To safeguard that responsibility, keep anything sensitive that he tells you to yourself.

This is one of the most candid things a guy can do to express his attraction. Generally, an appreciative comment on your appearance or on things he likes about you is an indication that he has romantic feelings for you.

While any compliment should be considered a sign of affection, pay special attention to the ones that are specific to you. For example, any guy might say that you have beautiful eyes. Not in a weird way, hopefully. But does he always find excuses to jokingly punch your shoulder, poke your ribs, or even tickle you?

Touch has been a tell-tale sign of attraction since the playground days. Instead of tugging on your hair while in line for the rope swing, guys now find slightly more sophisticated ways to initiate contact. Physical touch is a way to test the waters. Well, this one requires no explanation. If he tells you he likes you, take him at his word. Also, pay attention to his actions. I hope this article helped you better understand the signs a guy is definitely interested in you.

Now that you know what to look for, there are two very important moments in every relationship you need to be aware of. The first is that at some point, your guy may start to pull away. Do you know how to handle it so you bring him back instead of pushing him further away? Next, there will come a point when a guy asks himself: Is this the woman I want to commit myself to? His answer will determine everything.

Do you know what inspires a man to commit? If not, you need to read this too: The 1 Things Men Desire in a Woman. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Sign up for our free newsletter and get a free chapter of our book,"He's Not That Complicated". The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except as expressly permitted in writing by A New Mode, Inc. a new mode. Is He Interested In Me?

How often does he call and text? Question 1 of If a Man Behaves Like That, He Defin­itely Likes You. How Do Guys Express Their Love. Top 5 Things You Must Know About Men. How Do You Find Love? Top Tricks To Have Him Chasing You. How To Make A Long Dis­tance Relation­ship Work.

When a Guy Doesn't Text Back Is He The One? How To Know For Sure Why He Withdraws After Love Making. The Must-Know Rules For Friends With Benefits. Leave Your Comment Now Search A New Mode. follow a new mode Facebook Pinterest Twitter Instagram RSS. About Does He Like Me? When I had finally had enough, I wanted to leave and when I tried he kept inviting me out to things.

Several months later he told me he turned his booty call girl into his girlfriend and moved her in and now he wants me to meet her. He said that is going to change, we will hang out again.

It all left me angry even though this is awhile ago. Love it Nat! On the bright side — my current relationship has none! Systems check -systems go! All feet in. Always like to check back and make sure I stay on the right track.

If there is anything worth working on — it is me. These signs are important to go over, I used to think that text messaging a lot was normal, but I see the propensity to cheat, lie and for deception if a guy relies on this as a primary communication method.

I believe in what you reap you sow, and noone is exempt from that. These guys in whatever form they take; celebrities,executives, losers etc. all end up paying a high price for this behavior e. never getting married or having a family, dying alone in old age, etc.

Yes, karma! What goes around, comes around! Here is a perfect example, even though it took a lifetime…. my dad is the ultimate EUM, married 3 times, cheated on first two wives and only did not cheat on last one because she was 25 years younger than him and he had lost his edge by then.

He abandoned all his children except for sporadic contact. He had 5 daughters and one son from three families. The son still talks to him, but then he was treated quite differently. The other daughter is still a teenager living in his house, so the jury is still out on whether he will die before she runs from him. So she is never home and he no longer has the control over her that he once had. He is very wealthy and has used his money as his weapon.

But as he has disowned all of his children, he no longer can hold that over our heads. When he dies, his funeral will be very small. No close friends, most of his children will not be there, and very few people will shed tears for him. Once when I was visiting him, we were in a local bar. So yes, in the end, he has reaped what he has sown. The only catch: he still has no idea it was him all along, in his mind, he is still right! So it is really all very pitiful and sad, but ultimately, exactly what he deserves.

I think that means he is saying you are the love of his life, but apparently not. Words are cheap. Actions speak for themselves. Keiko — Strikingly similar situation here — separated from his ex almost a year. Already told me I am the love of his life. I want to believe him — and mostly I do.

Only difference is he is making an effort for me to get to meet his kids soon. Not really close friends with his soon to be ex wife — but keeps in close contact for the kids. I have a hard time discerning between being jaded and not letting go of my past, and moving on officially. Dear Pengal, I find it nice that he wants you to meet his kids, but I find it hard to believe what he tells you.

If I were you, I would wait and see. I learned from my mistake. In my case, it was a serious relationship between the two of us — we stayed together for almost a year — and it had serious negative emotional consequences on me. Be very observant while you are not emotionally, physically and financially invested in the relationship. I was and now it hurts so bad I feel like dying sometimes. I fit so many of those statements. Thanks for the heads up. I feel empowered to definitely pay attention and change my way of seeing things.

Just wanted to say I found this website at the right time. I am trying to set my boundaries with a guy and these articles are so very helpful. He is interested in me…yet has a long time girlfriend. We did a few things but I am done. The problem we work together so I am trying really hard to be nice and yet keep walls and boundaries in place. Love this website. Hey — I have a question related to these signs.

Then nothing until yesterday when he wished me luck for something I had on today, then a text today asking if we could talk tomorrow about said event. Or what? He may well want to ask me out again. And, while he is attractive, smart and almost certainly not an AC more likely an EUM , I do think he should have been warmer after our first date.

I had a similar experience. I think I would ignore it. If texting was so great, we would be conducting business meetings and diplomatic negotiations with them picture it! If you see him again, just smile and ask how he is. I think it says it straight without hurting feelings. what do you think? I think this should be all you should focus on. A relationship. Elle, I wonder about the right thing to say too, when you have seen red flags and are opting out. I had a person insult me recently, saying I had issues, after I was assertive about my boundaries.

Although, that kind of says more about them. Jennynic, what you say is interesting. Not good. They are relying on your good manners so that they can get away with bad manners.

Once he has been disrespectful to you, you do not owe him any manners in return. Speak up. Believe me, this is all new to me, this putting myself first. Ask yourself how many people, male or female really put your feeling first over their own? No one is saying be rude of course and good manners are never out of fashion.

If he was interested in you he would have called and set up another date already. Or alternatively, just forget about the whole thing? Forget it. I think he is already showing the importance he attaches to you. Better to find someone that makes you a priority and not so busy. Yet I still long for this person. He flits in and out of my life at will. Knows how to make me feel bad and seems secretive. My options for meeting anyone new are zero. I work by myself and I seem to be in an age bracket where men want either younger or older women.

have you considered taking up a hobby? have you looked to see what is on in your area.? how about taking up a dance class. Dance groups usually have a great social scene around them and people of all ages dance. i think perhaps because you work alone, you feel isolated and therefore dwell on this man too much.

hope this helps. I turned down men because of my loyalty to this ass. It takes me a terribly long time to get interested in someone new. Your advice makes sense and thank you for it. I wish I was able to do some of the things you suggested. Just about everything on this list is exactly what the man afriend of mine is involved with. These are the kinds of women that these men marry and live with.

And then pain themselves over other women they can continue their fantasy with and torture over whether the grass is greener. But then I realized that he knew the jig was up… that he could no longer take me off and on the shelf at will and control all of our interaction. And I actually believe that these guys know it, they know the score. Such a weird catch 22 really! Never ending drama. I saw him for who he is. and she will.. Hmm… this list is interesting but I find it difficult to apply this especially when there are conflicting signs.

So I guess I could wait it out and see what happens. But I feel that the whole second-guessing thing is not a good sign. Thanks so much for your advice. I see red flags all over the place here. e it is what it is. That is what he means plain and simple. You are feeling uneasy for reason. a frigging hermit??? But now i realise that he had no intention of EVER GOING OUT with me. Believe me, that gets fairly boring after a while. i have no doubt that he does like you but he has his feet set in concrete blocks.

he sounds eum to me. He should keep in regular contact, and go out with her times a week. No disappearing acts, no habits of canceling plans at last minute or keep pushing things back, no seeing each other just at night.

Same with a guy i was just seeing casually — never met me on a weekend, kept rearranging dates because of his work freelancer , never invited me to stuff with his friends, but yet would invite random people along to stuff we had arranged with just me and him. I was happy with it being a casual arrangement, but even a casual arrangement sounld be straight forward, easy, fun, respectful — not irritating and disappoingting like this one.

So i have opted out before i waste any more of my time. We had fun and said we would do it again. We arranged for Wednesday. Wednesday came and he kept pushing back our plans until it was too late and he apologized and asked if we could reschedule, or I could just come to his house. We rescheduled for Saturday and all week he was sending me texts about how excited he was for Saturday, and how he really wanted to make it up to me for cancelling on Wednesday.

Then, Saturday came and I never heard from him. You become the priority, not the option. I wish I could do the casual thing, and be happy about it. Good luck hun. At least you were smart enough not to go to his house… unlike me lol.

Is he still bugging you now? Only 2 dates publicly? Did he ever hold your hand or kiss you in public? Totally great arrangement for him. Good:- there are better guys out there. he is quite dubious. no calls or texts — that a red flag. No he didnt do any public displays of affection.

Yeah… not just a red-flag but a huge blaring, neon-bright, flashing red flag. Thanks for sharing with me. Lesley Binnie Hi Riot Girl, Think there are serious red flags here. Good Luck but you seem clued in xxx.

Hi Leslie. This is what my ex told his friends… that I was insecure and he had the power the whole time. Can I ask, would you give an EUM a chance even when he puts in more effort? Thanks so much for the post. Really appreciate it! Thanks, Natalie. The sad thing is, I was never really with them. They never truly cared about me, and I could feel it — so why did I care about them so much?

Easily disposable. it seems like you have made good progress, Caitypants. that is good. You are on the right track. You now have an insight into what was going on and that is good. ignoring texts for days is terrible — it could drive you crazy. yes, we must put ourselves first. Always; especially when it comes to men. I agree with you both: no more wasting time on men who treat us like options. Then again a guy who is interested freaks the hell out of me too!

Expectation freaks me out as much as it freaks EUMs out. Got a lot swishing around my head right now as i transition to more healthy relationship habits. Most speak to how he treated me, and 30 hit the nail on the head. I wish I read this post months ago.

I now realize what a fool I was. I have learned. Barry got to give you your due you hit some nails right on the mark. Just one thing though…………….. Many men do this too, not just women. How many men and women really know what they want and desire in a partner? For so many people both men and women are on automatic pilot when it comes to selecting a partner.

But few know what they really want and Desire. And how to go about achieving that! It can be a very effective defence to stop you knowing anything deeper about them because they feel vulnerable. The skill in dealing with such a person is to listen and wait for the moment to ask an open question.

And if they avoid your question. Stay with it, bring them back to what you want to know. Because they will skip and try to avoid giving you a direct answer. Just focus on one key point and keep to it. I have often been out with women for the first time and they are nervous talking about everything. I listen and wait patiently and then open with an open question on something they have talked about.

And lets be honest here most people love to talk about themselves. Scammers use the same principles too. Because You are using two things……….. People love to talk about themselves and curiosity. And so do psychologists. Well the first part of this statement I go with. If someone was saying that to Me I would say fine.

Go sort yourself out and find out what You really want. They could very much like you and actually have deep feelings for you. And sometimes people who have self-esteem issues put testers out to see actually how safe it will be and if they are going to be rejected. And if they do they will withdraw to protect themselves. However if not they will start to open up. This is about TRUST! But there are also those who have found by using such means they can use it as a form of emotional blackmail.

This is again about really listening and using open questions. This is not a good one to experience. I know as from My younger days when I was so un-aware. I experienced such a relationship. Jealousy is actually natural and hard wired into us both as men and women. But when it becomes pathological………….. It becomes very unhealthy to experience. It was not a pleasant experience to live through and the worst relationship I ever had.

But I was young and had My head full of fluffy stuff. But I look back now with positive reflection as a learning experience and know now that when a woman starts displaying these signs they are big red flags not to go there. Professional I will work with people who have such issues. Personal life an Absolute NO NO!

I have to say that I am guilty of a few of these too! I have recently become involved with a male friend of mine early days, taking it verrrrry slowly , who is a genuinely nice guy who has been mucked about in the past by an EU woman, which he has now ended things with.

He has been very open about his feelings for me which are mutual , but not in a future faking way, not rushing things forward, no alarm bells in that respect. Totally irrational! He has been in touch not lazily , he has left me in no doubt of his interest, he has made plans and followed through on them.

There is no ambiguity, no drama, no confusion, just someone I am really comfortable with. I want to be with someone like him. I want a healthy relationship where i can be myself and not have someone act like they own me. I am terrified because of my recent experiences with EUMs and ACs.

hi minky! oh, he sounds like a good one! you are bound to find it difficult to trust after bad experience. i would say take it one day at a time, just little baby steps and you can go at your own pace. I would discuss my fears and also seek some counseling. I will take it slow and be honest about my fears. This guy friend you have sounds really reliable. Good luck! Plans that actually happen! Heavens above! When did being on edge all the time, being constantly disappointed and expecting to be let down all the time become the norm?

How on earth did i let it get to this point?! Yesterday I left a comment about a very close GF of mine that is very involved with one of these AC men. She constantly complains about Why is he with her and not with me? That if he actually gave a hoot about her he would not be sleeping with her or spending nights at her house when he can. This is a man that has no regard for my friend or the GF he lives with.

My heart goes out to any woman that is or has been involved with a man such as tihs. The best thing any woman can go for herself when it comes to dealing with these men is RUN as far away as possible and NEVER look back. Oh wow. Nice post. Those are the ones I keep running into. then he is an assclown.

Completely oblivious of how he should really act towards the one who loves him. Move on. I am currently dating again via internet dating sites and I am experimenting with putting boundaries in place that I have NEVER had in my life before and I am in my 50s. Now, the funny and unexpected thing is, that with some men, the reverse has happened.

Even when I bat them away dismissively many come back again and again asking for a date. There is a flipside to this, though. Well this blog was the most amazing one for me so far that really had the barometer dipping in a spiral as I read it.

My relationship or what ever it is at the moment is with a man for over 2 yrs now is just about every single sign here!!! constantly not just sometimes. Its come down to that. I will not give him the satisfaction of me saying I cant or wont do this anymore.

I want him to feel something…anything, guilt, sadness, awareness of hurting someone else. that its not me it him, in the next. It makes me sick and mad at myself that I tolerate this. I do keep hoping that he is going to change and fall passionately in love with me. I am only kidding myself right? Why cant I just end it?

I know I deserve more and want more, when hes on he on, when hes off he is really off…. like on a date.. Why am I so afraid of letting this one go? Is it the control he has over me too. I know without a shadow of a doubt I can, its just being able to go and move on. does that make a difference too? Any words from all the wiser and survivors?

I was where you were, and in some ways I still am. I walked out on him, but I feel that emotionally he walked out on me. I tried to wait it out and see if he would ask ME to leave, but he never did. So, I left. But then I tried for eight months to get him to talk to me, he refused.

I know, I know, you want HIM to suffer all the pain he put you through. Not one bit. Logically I know this. I wish it would have worked out. It is my learning that they will not change. This continued to happen many times. That is why I think he pulls away after telling you that you are so nice. I know how hard it is to leave this type of relationship…but you should look at you staying in a relationship that is filled with unhappiness and anxiety as a losing situation for you.

If you leave a bad relationship, then you are opening yourself up for something better…to me that is a huge win for you. Plus in my case I hung in there and waited until eventually circumstances were such that he broke up with me and then I felt worse — that I had stayed so long when all the signs were there.

I am recently divorced and got involved with an old flame from college. He is married and I fell for him hard ok, I fell for the sex and the attention hard, if I am totally honest. The first two months were amazing and the next three were not good.

I am a fairly confident career woman, even I could not believe what I was putting up with! So I basically gave him an ultimatum not even to leave his wife, just to see me more, how pathetic is that?!

Anyway, I was hoping he would come chasing after me and then I found this site. He did not contact me and still has not although he did cc me on a business email that really had nothing to do with me…he was fishing, I did not respond.

We may be old, but we are not dead yet! What a gift to give ourselves! You can do this! The first two weeks I was a mess, the third week started coming out of it, I am now in the 4th week and feeling like my old optomistic positive self. You might take a bit longer as your relationship was longer, but I am so happy to be me again!

And I read this blog, am going to therapy, I will get myself into a positive place so I never fall for this again. And maybe I will meet some great guy some day, but in the meantime I am going to learn to love and enjoy me. And you know what, being alone with someone you love you!

So she was driving herself crazy checking up on him all the time. Love yourself more, walk out the door! And commit to NC! Thank u, OldEnoughtoKnowBetter. Last straw was a week ago. He had to go pick up a freaking PIE from someone at work, rather than come see me.

and overly trusting??? But while the sex may be amazing for my body, it has come to deaden my soul. sounds dramatic, perhaps, but true. It does get better. My forties have been a decade of amazing learning, some of which has come at a high price.

But you are right, OldEnoughToKnowBetter, our fifties can be a good time, too. We are never too old. It is up to us. Yes, yes, amazing chemistry. Only to have HIM take it away. And that included SEX! Have you ever heard of anything so sadistic? I got this comment. I have also seen many different interpretations of it in this and prior blogs. What does it really mean? Does it really mean anything?

The issues of jealousy and control are far more relevant. If you feel like an option, you are. I was, and I fought the feeling with everything I had, instead of just accepting the fact and moving on. If you think its more, if you hope and dream its more, you will end up hurt. Hanging around in the hope he recognizes how wonderful you really are is just wasting your time and energy. That he never saw it is his loss, not mine.

I think its also important for women to listen to their intuition when it comes to a particular man that they are not sure about. Most of the time when confusion arises its not because I do not know the truth. As for women this is usually very strong and it will pick up on all the small subtleties which usually fly under the conscious radar. This site is genuinely revolutionising the way I behave with men and the way I think about relationships.

I cannot believe that just reading a website could change me in middle age, but it has. I feel SO many regrets now! But look how much I have changed already, as a result of Natalie! I had a date yesterday with a confident, talkative policeman.

I sat quietly and listened and nodded while he held forth at length and with authority on a subject that I happen to be interested in and reasonably knowledgeable about.

But this time I felt really quite affronted. But I respected him less. It made me see a Red Flag — a man who wants his woman in the role of sitting quietly, listening, nodding in the right places, and with no thoughts of her own.

Did I pass? Did he pass? Thank you, WastedLove, for sharing this. Good for you! Hi, wow! he had some nerve. i would suggest to him that perhaps he takes a manequin out with him on his next date and he could attach a few strings to her that he can pull when he wants a yes or a no answer..!!! Audrey … thank you for making me literally laugh out loud — at your mannequin suggestion. With hindsight, perhaps I should have gathered my things and stormed out as soon as he said that.

WastedLove, I love reading your posts!!! GOD, you are amazing woman…Good for you, that you shut this policeman, I bet he learnt his lesson — not to mess with assertive and confident women!!! I think the list is significant because,as Natalie states the numbers do join up…. The points on this list appear in sticky clumps for me.

When one is happening,look closer you will be experiencing several…at the same time. In my experience if a guy seems to favour texting ad nauseum then he will have difficulty acknowledging the same feelings face to face…. just too out there for a EUM who is passing time. I enjoy the sparky,flirty text as much as anyone but not as the main method of communication. Used to accept it. Not now. The biggy for me has to be no. Passing time for them may be wasting time for us. Thanks Lesx. I thought because he was trotting me out to all his friends and family, it meant something.

That I was being shown off or run past a selection committee or something. Now, I see it differently. He was using me to look less odd.

He was 40, never married, never any relationship longer than 3 months. He always gave the impression we were together to others but was careful not to give me that impression.

I am still shocked and amazed at what I put up with. How low I let him drag me in the hopes that the promise of the golden beginning would pay off. That the great guy from the first few months would reappear and we would live happily ever after. In hindsight, I am just embarrassed by it all. Someone today jokingly said that, based on the AC, I must have really appalling taste in men.

I had to agree. I can no longer see what I once saw in him. The amount of projection and picturing I was doing is incredible. I made him into the relationship mirage I had waited so long for. The fact that he had little interest in being there after the early days seemed lost on me. I clung to the fact that he was interested once, at least for a few weeks, so he would be interested again. That he was still around was good enough, I guess. How sad. Well, the important thing is that you now realize what was happening.

And from that, you can learn from your lesson. I think a lot of us do too and because of the things we hope for, we take risks on people whom appear to be doing the right thing. Unfortunately, there are some people who just lack integrity as a human being. I had something similar happen to me and wonder where did it all go wrong. I think Natalie has put it very clearly in the way she describes how we miss these red-flags because we hope for the best.

I am so very thankful for this post at this time. I feel that I am intelligent but not emotionally intelligent it is like my head understands registers things then my emotions get in the way and boom Im a mess. See I understand the above message he cannot be interested in me I relate to so many of the above numbers all signalling he is clearly NOT interested in me. Now I understand this I really do on an intellectual level it seems easy move along leave him be. So here is hoping that I make it.

I went back and read all the above comments because I need encouragement. I have come to recognise I need boundaries and to give myself a whole lot more respect, which is why Im fighting so hard to change my past behaviour not be a victim to his whims and move on.

I have rejected several offers of dates because I know exactly what kind of relationship it will turn out to be so Im on the road and that is all that matters. Lately, I have been able to get rid of these right away. The trouble comes when you are with a man who for all intents and purposes seems to be interested. He defines the relationship as being serious, calls you every day, sees you several times a week, does nice things for you, introduces you to his friends, makes plans with you, says all the right things, etc.

How do you know that what is reflected on the surface of the relationship truly runs deep? Just by setting boundaries and asking questions? What if he just tells you what you want to hear instead? Weeks, months?

I hae thought of that too. I think you are right — you tell them to slow down. We also have to consider the wisdom of a person who is talking about long-term, marrige type deals after only a month or two — I would tend to think they were either a bit daft, faking it or a fantasist… none is good! So, big flag to look out for is that they are talking about too much too fast, too soon.

Thank you for this wonderful site. I discovered it months ago when I started going out with the prototypical Mr. From the above list alone I checked off 21 signs. And you know what?

I knew. I always knew that this would never lead anywhere good. I knew it would only end in pain. Red flag after red flag, and yet I forged on with impunity — the impunity of idiocy. I do not know how I became this girl as 1. I am not an idiot. and 2. I have always had high regard for myself. I neglected all reason, all logic, and fixated on the improbability of his changing.

Until now I keep asking myself how this happened. Thank you for helping me. ninotchka And you know what? Thank you, Tulipa! You know, I had no idea that there were so many other women out there with similar experiences. Who knew there were so many EUMs in the world. I am 25 and relatively low on experience. I am wiser now, and hope to never make this mistake again. He justifies bad behavior because some women will tolerate it longer than others. It kind of goes without saying that Barry is apparently ALSO a user of women, a manipulator who will take what he can get because he can at times get what he wants.

I suspect his childhood lacked quite a lot when it came to teaching him lessons about people and about women in particular. Otherwise, he would not have such anger issues. I pity whoever winds up with him next. Gosh, so much of this is accurate. This is so true, so much time is wasted staying in a failing relationship either waiting or wondering. Life is too short for that. It really is dead in the water. Let us stop living on illusions and just move on with our lives. Cheers, TJ.

Well, maybe more than just some. Women tend to be attracted to those things for a certain amount of time. Life is simply about spreading your genes and most personality types are unfaithful because the unfaithful personality genes get passed on due to being more apt to procreate thus leaving the committed type personalities in the minority. Some of the most common types of personalities, such as the ESFP are the people that are never satisfied and go from relationship to relationship perhaps your example of John Mayer comes to play here.

Maybe most of you need to take the Myers-Briggs and read up on your personality traits. Some of you are just innately impossible to satisfy. Hence your confusion on what you want. I do think many of the readers on this site should have a little bit of introspection before putting all the blame on their failed relationships.

The ESFP is also a personality that never accepts fault for their own irrational actions. Just some food for thought. Basically, get over yourself. WHOOT WHOOT Nat! Could not agree more — thank you so much for your response to that. In my opinion, he was very condensing which is a trait I consider to be a RED FLAG.

Truth is, the site is creating self reliant and informed individuals — arming them with the truth! I look at this site as a no-nonsense eye-opening lifesaver. That is exactly what it is too! Without this site I surely would have went nuts over the past few months dealing with the ex AC. Thank you so much for creating this site Nat and continuing this amazing and insightful education of the masses!! I swear to God, my first reaction in reading your post was that you are my ex-AC.

Your narcissistic, superior tone, pseudo-scientific approach to relationships and your desire to blame others all feels so familiar. Your use of jargon suggests you have spent more time finding a psychological excuse for your emotional unavailability than a legitimate quest for self-awareness or understanding.

since you love acronyms so much. Like my ex-AC, you have devoted a disturbing amount of time to studying others emotional behaviours, as a means of mimicing them to better fool your victims. That you focus on your supposed great qualities that women find so irresistable is another sign of your personality disorder.

Heaven forbid that your future potential victims should learn to protect themselves from you — how will you continue to secure supply sources if we are able to recognize you from a mile away? It is a testiment to Natalie that your comment is posted. That she is willing to allow all voices to be heard is exactly what is so great about this site. That all are welcome here is a reflection of the positive attitudes and desire for real growth and discovery that characterize this site.

Perhaps if you read further, you might learn something other than to belittle others. My guy is pretty hot, well-educated graduate school, great schools , nice, likeable, and could cheat in a heartbeat. Because he is a normal human being, not EU, not AC, not Narcissist, who believes in commitment. His brother, too, who is even better looking and taller, is faithful to all his partners. Guess what? They were raised in eth same family, one that is traditional and believes in love, marriage, faith, and commitment.

All I know is, now that he is with an equally well-educated, cute, thin, successful, nice, etc. woman, his stock value has gone even higher. Her checklist for the Intellectualizer is:. Distant, unable to be emotionally intimate Overanalyzes situations, ignores emotional content Unconnected with his or her emotions Proud of intellectual achievements, dismisses emotional connections Unable to identify emotions in self or others Highly defended.

Sounds like you from your post. If you had read as much of this site as you claim, you would see that Natalie has posted time and time again that us women in these unsatisfactory relationships are emotionally unavailable as well.

I am 43 and I have lived though a life of AC and I was telling a friend that we can know in our head the guy is treating us terrible and we should leave but we just cant go. I have given up trying in these cases, for me, it just helps to treat it as a disease like co-dependency.

The last relationship of this sort I got into I spent two years in and spent almost that whole time trying to get out!! I think the very best part of this list is the control part. Thank you for this great article. I tried NC and failed but I will try again from tomorrow. You gave me strenght to start again tomorrow.

I am just afraid we make have jumped into this too quickly and its bad timing. He was even feeding me from his plate of food with his fork being all cute etc. He has me so incredibly confused right now. That sounds familiar s. Texting, as we have reiterated countless times on this site, means nothing. Physical affection unless it is backed up with some care and consistency means less than nothing!

They will not change their minds every two seconds, they will not leave you feeling anxious. They will be straight forward, consistent and transparent. Arranging a meeting with a decent guy should be a lot like arranging to meet up with a good friend, in terms of communication i. Why do we tolerate it when men give us the run around about meeting up?

I was there. It also gave me the boost I needed to maintain NC. This is going nowhere fast! Believe him! Also, why would he not ask his girlfriend to attend a NYE party??? The writing is on the wall!!!!!

by NATALIE Dec 6, Dating comments. In the past, I made a lot of excuses for the behaviours of people that I was involved with, the anxiety that I felt with them, and my continued investment. We ignore what are often blatant signs of disinterest. Cue trying to prove ourselves, seeking validation and attempting to avoid rejection.

You deserve better. They may not even bother speaking with you and rely predominantly on emails, text messages, and instant messenger. It goes in fits and starts, stalls, or goes into reverse. It might be money, attention, an ego stroke, sex, being an armchair psychologist—something.

They may not even bother to make last-minute plans — they might just show up late at night expecting you to be around. But they still expect to be with you. In fact, they keep making excuses. They keep changing their mind about their interest in you. Flip-flapper alert! They talk incessantly about themselves while not really taking an interest in you. OR… they deflect conversations away from details about themselves and try to focus on you.

It takes them weeks or even months to call you up after a date or taking your number. You may even be friends with benefits. They treat you without love, care, trust, and respect. They are controlling, manipulative, jealous and possessive. This is not the same as love or as a result of love. Nobody is that busy and when someone is genuinely interested they find the time. So knowing that, when I thought he was doing that to me, I waited it out, just to see if HE would break down and break if off.

Definitely feel you on the double standards bit. If, however, he was the one who had an issue with me, he got upset if I seemed to be eager to move past it. Control was a big part, trying to keep me unsure of what was going on. One time he actually stated that I was so easy to manipulate; when I questioned him about it a day later, he denied it.

Good Lord, they live among us. with the exception of a few, but majority of them. In short, is it all about control? This list is a reminder as to why people need a healthy dose of self-respect. The sexual aspect is the biggest uncomfortable line that we cross. People need to wait on sex, especially women, before they decide to make an emotional investment.

The bat signal is in their twisted heads. You have to be vigilant about their behavior as well as not rushing physical intimacy. Evaluate the emotional intimacy as well and it will tip you off to his plans. Been through many of these except a few.

But 30 was the most prominent experience. I now know what someone who has both feet in looks like. What a lovely list!! My ex-AC checked a whopping Only with 16 did he legitimately not raise a red flag. This guy was very brilliant, very stoic, very quiet. Instead, he was never emotional AT ALL; in fact, I think he is completely devoid of emotion. Yet, he did constantly want to be with me, constantly called me, constantly showered me with gifts, constantly tried to hook up with me.

Yet, somehow, he always continued to view me as just an option, not someone he could really be crazy about, and he would always have bigger crushes on other girls. We were a couple for a year near the beginning, but he ended it, and I can say I felt horribly dissatisfated through the duration of the relationship, as I longed for the absent displays of romance.

After breaking up, when I would try to put distance between us, he would always reel me back in, wanting to keep me near. Thank you SO MUCH for this list! Goodbye to him! these men are showing us what the relationship with them would be like. be thankful they showed us early. Wastedlove, well done you, GIRL!!! I admire you:- I arranged myself for few dates next week trying to forget my AC , lets see what going to happen!

I am so aware of Red Flags now!!! Maybe I scared him of by my emotional unavailability, or something else? I have to say I was mean too sometimes, but I was provoked by him and his unacceptable behaviour:- Oh, Natalie, I still miss him after all this!!!

He would look me in the eye and say this and when he said it, it was if he had never meant anything more in his entire life. He did this because he did the odd trick of calling out his faults but not doing anything to change them. He was one TOXIC individual. I have shared many relationships with many women serially and in parallel from the full range of financial, social, and racial spectrum. I take full responsibility for my thoughts, my feelings and every result I get. You know this innately.

Where do you ladies think we men learn how to treat you? And those early adjustments to my behavior stay with me to this very day. And there is no one to blame but yourselves.

For you alone teach others how you desire to be treated; you alone determine the result of any relationship interplay, by what you accept, what you go along with, and the indecisiveness of your intentions.

Barry Nat specifically said that these things apply to men and women. Both men and women will put up with varying levels of crap. If not hair-raising actually. Barry raised an interesting, if not slightly confusing, issue about from whom and how men learn to treat women. He suggested this is internalised from lessons formal and informal in the household, ideally from the father I am inferring that it was his father who beat him senseless.

But then, later, he says that we, adult women, have to teach men how to treat us. As an armchair sociologist, I think we do, but this is only as an unfortunate result of fathers avoiding this instruction of their young sons and probably many other variables in the family set-up.

The ACs I know often have absent fathers either not there or present in the house, but weak disciplinarians and mothers who infantalise and indulge. Basically, I am more and more of the view that you should as much as possible meet someone already well-socialized because training someone is tiring and usually thankless. The emphasis of my point was on the instruction and whether or not this was taking place — and obviously, no instruction is instruction.

I think you can work on the small stuff, but not on the big stuff. If you take full responsibility of your thoughts, feelings and outcomes of involvements in your life then by the comment you have made you instantly contradict yourself by blaming women who, in your disrespectful tone, have no one else to blame but themselves. It takes two to be involved. You say you were beaten when you were disrespectful to your sisters?

A person deserves respect, not to be ridiculed by the opposite sex, especially in a forum like this. I have to agree with you. We DO make it easy for men to mistreat us. I have seen very few women post here who do not recognize that. And there are plenty of men out there who make it easy for women to mistreat them. I personally know a man such as this. He showed an interest in me, but I was not interested in dating him. We hang out in groups only as friends.

He asks me to do things with him alone all the time, and I never do. Because I know to do so would only encourage his interest and lead him on. Even though I told him point-blank and quite bluntly that I was not interested in dating him, he still makes every effort to take me places, and he would gladly pay.

I have seen other women take advantage of this. Is he responsible for being a doormat? Hell, yes. He is also responsible for whether or not he ALLOWS women to take advantage of him. BUT…these women who use him are accountable for their actions as well. Because that is not the type of person I would like to be. Nicole Good point. To make ourselves better people and to reach our full potential.

Therefore, in order to get rid of such other related conflicts, what we have to do is to reflect back on the whole thing and rethink the whole situation. I have to keep telling myself that nothing has changed. He is married and I fell for him hard ok, I fell for the sex and the attention hard, if I am totally honest. I know as from My younger days when I was so un-aware. Therefore, this article will help you in figuring out what you need to do next based on the answer that you will get to your question. Next, there will come a point when a guy asks himself: Is this the woman I want to commit myself to? No disappearing acts, no habits of canceling plans at last minute or keep pushing things back, no seeing each other just at night.

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